Life as a dog isn't too bad. I get treated pretty well, and my family takes care of me. Except the time they betrayed me.
I shoulda known something was up. They gave me extra scraps,
good scraps. That’s one of the first
perks of doghood, getting the scraps. At the same time, I get the scraps. Don’t get me wrong, they are
usually pretty good (who doesn’t love people food?), but do I look like a
garbage disposal? Just because you find it revolting does not mean I think it
is any better. There is some kind of jacked-up paradigm among humans that just
because they walk on two legs and have opposable thumbs certain foods are no longer
edible. Apparently, the four-legged creatures have been reduced to the floor
lickers, if only for convenience of proximity. It is a testament to my strength
and superiority that I can lick the floor, eat the crap…er scraps, tossed to
me, and still survive.
Back to my story. My family was all
cuddly, and talking in baby voices to me. In hindsight, I think they were
trying to put me at ease. But do they really have to talk to me like that, like
I am some pre-mobile, infantile pudge-ball? It does not change my ability to
comprehend human speech. If I barked like a puppy, would you understand it any
better? I mean, seriously, do I look like I am 2 years old? After all, my years
are seven times that of my owners. They are the real pups here. Not to mention,
they have so many noises and they all just sound like the noises I make when I
am about to hurl up my dinner. Anyways.
So, my family gave me an extra warm
bath, nice fur-cleaning-bubbles, trimmed my toenails, the whole bowl of
kibbles, ya’know? Allow me to say, though, that my ability to give myself a
bath whenever I want, wherever I want is another great perk of canine life. And
no one freaks out if it’s in public. That can come in real handy.
Unfortunately, the only washcloth I have is my tongue. Have you ever licked dog
hair? You think it smells bad, well let me tell you, brother, it tastes even
worse. But hey, how many people get to lick and sniff their butts without
criticism? Not many.
